Essay: The Death Of All Dreams... The Real Impact of Trans Violence

What follows is an essay I wrote on Transgender violence, an excerpt of which has been featured by the CBC in both a radio interview (see my post 'CBC Listen: The Early Edition-You Always Remember Everything: Mikayla'); and in a CBC Vancouver- Instagram post to mark the 2021 Trans Day of Visibility (see my post by the same name). Both can be found under the Media heading on my home page. The issue of Trans violence is one that I'm extremely passionate about... because I am a survivor of Trans violence. In 2019 the American Medical Association declared Trans violence an epidemic. There were 45 Transwomen murdered in 2020 in N. America, and countless more assaulted. This year we are on a pace to shatter this number. Trans Lives Matter.

THE DEATH OF ALL DREAMS

The Real Impact of Trans Violence

I am a Transgender woman. I am also a survivor of a targeted gender-based hate crime. In 2019 I was attacked and assaulted with a baseball bat by a group of men, for the heinous crime of being Trans. The injuries I suffered in that assault led to surgery on my spine, put me in hospital for a year, and caused nerve damage in both my legs. I will never walk normally again. Because of this, I have a vested interest (some would say 'obsession') in shining a light on the issue of Trans violence and gender-based hate crimes. This is one of the most important, difficult, and dangerous issues that our community faces today. These types of attacks are endemic within our current society- and are hate crimes pure and simple. The targeted abuse and killings are something all Transwomen are painfully aware of. The risk and dangers we face simply leaving our homes- the fact that we take a chance with our lives to just exist is insanity. We face discrimination, judgment, and all manner of vicious hatred...and why? Why am I branded a freak, or an abomination, or a heretic? It is because we are guilty of the heinous crime of living authentically. We deserve to die because... we are being who we really are. We are condemned for standing in our own personal truth, regardless that it impacts no one but ourselves. My reasons for writing this are many- but the timing of it is due to the fact that yesterday we reached a new milestone- 2020 has set a record of a notorious sort. We lost the 45 Trans woman murdered this year (N. America)- the highest annual number recorded in history- and it is a trend that has been on an upward swing for 10 years running. Many of these hate crimes go unresolved due to systemic prejudices and a lack of will on the part of our lawmakers and governments. Additionally, a number of these killers that do face arrest and prosecution are acquitted... by using what has become known as the 'Trans Panic' defense. Basically, the murderer claims that they were unaware that the woman they were with was Transgender- and in the course of interaction intimacy they 'discover' that she has a penis- and it so enraged them that they had "no choice but to kill her, your honour". It is presented as a twisted form of a crime of passion. What this does is demonize and victimize the Transwoman, while favouring and pitying the attacker. It is tragic, disgusting, and a violation of our human rights and personal dignity. A colossal failure on behalf of the entire Trans nation. My hope is that by standing up and speaking out by voicing my outrage and drawing attention to these issues- despite the obvious risk and danger I may face, it might help bring us incrementally closer to change. The day will come when we are able to live as equals to the rest of society. When we are seen as valid, and finally embraced as human beings. Then, we will no longer have to live in fear...

Meet Mikayla. The easy target. When I walk into a room everyone stops aìnd stares. 'It is impossible to divorce her new name from the shape of her body, so why even try?'. You can't be bothered to put in the simple effort required to use my correct pronouns- and with that proclamation, you've stomped on my self-respect and worth. I got tired of speaking only when spoken for. I wish I didn't have to be a "real girl" - I wish I didn't have to be 'real' to be allowed to exist. No one ever thinks of Transwomen as human, because we are more ghost than flesh, more fetish than actuality, filling others with only disgust and lust. People fear that my gender expression is a trick, that it exists to be perverse, that it ensnares them without their consent, that my body is a feast for their eyes and hands... Once they have fed off my queer, and they have spit up all the parts they did not like, they will put me back into the closet, and hang my body with all the other skeletons. I realized very early in life that our bodies become lessons in sin way before we learn how to love them. My value as a human being is not sewn into the band of my underwear. I don't want to end up with stab wounds and bullet holes because I am not a "real woman". Beatings, killings, and even getting lynched- all of these atrocities have happened to my sisters in the past year alone. 1 in 12 transgender women will be murdered. Last year worldwide, there were 331 Transwomen killed, and since we began tracking global figures 12 years ago, 3314 of my sisters had their life light extinguished at the hands of hatred. That is over 500 people more than were killed on 9/11- and there sure as hell is no war on the terror we live through daily. You can't convince me that we have a God whose glorious creation of our heavenly bodies takes the form of a circle, yet only loves his children who are straight. I have always known that hatred is a learned behavior- and the first person we pass that skill onto is ourselves. But we, as a society must admit to how deep the wound goes if we are to fully participate in the healing. Whoever you are, no matter the pain you've lived, the world offers itself to your imagination, and we can learn to manifest the dreams that take hold in the landscape of our minds- but only if those dreams are allowed to live. Our wounds become our gift because after all, virtue is vice overcome. Who we are meant to be is worth the difficult journey of becoming- but only if we can release ourselves from the burden of shame. But that is a miracle that will not happen if we are not allowed to exist. Mark my words sisters...The change will come. The question is- will we be alive to see it. This is our reality... because Trans lives matter.

Mikayla Cadger