Poem: Transphobic Assholes

This poem is about the assault that changed the course of my life. In early 2019, I moved into a new suite in a house with multiple units. I had only lived there 9 days when I was assaulted by three men who were apparently neighbors. Those men kicked in my door and beat me with a baseball bat... for no other reason than the fact that I'm a Transgender woman. I have been quite open about what happened to me, what those men did to me, and what I suffered through in terms of both my hospitalization and my recovery/healing process. This is one of the first poems I wrote in an effort to vent some of the anger and frustration that came with getting assaulted. Although it has been written as if I was directly addressing my attackers (and I would be lying if I didn't admit that I would LOVE the chance to do just that), this poem touches on issues and scenarios that many Transwomen will identify with. The kinds of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that result from being victimized in a violent, gender-based hate crime can stay with you forever, and I've learned the lessons that come with burying them, and not properly working through the mental impact they can have. Once I began the physical healing process, it was poems like this one that helped me start to heal mentally. Transmisogyny and Transviolence are not simply 'social justice talking points'. They are serious issues, and have very real impacts on the lives of those they hurt... and that's only when we survive them.

TRANSPHOBIC ASSHOLES

So many questions unanswered

So much confusion and pain,

When the person I am is your reason

For your hatred and vicious disdain.

Why have you made me a target?

Why can't I just live my life?

You violate all I hold sacred

And gleefully drive home that knife.

Does my safety or sanity matter?

Apparently not in your eyes,

The day that you broke through my front door

Wielding a bat and disguise.

You proceeded to beat me quite bloody

Your friends thought it funny as hell,

I'll never feel safe in my own home

Your actions have broken that spell.

Insult and injury hurt most

When they're done with such evil intent,

Your only focused on killing

Clearly, on that, your hell-bent.

You're twisted and sick, do you know that?

I knew it when I saw your smirk,

You nearly extinguished my life-light

And claimed that you're doing God's work.

You left me with nothing but trauma

And scars that will never quite fade,

Though you tried hard to steal my future

I refuse to live my life afraid.

You wrote a message on my wall

It's now burned in my heart and my mind,

Scrawling down 'Faggot' and 'Tranny'

Then proclaiming 'we don't like your kind'.

Assaulting Transgirls is pathetic

You are cowards and not real men,

The damage you did is forever

I will never walk normal again.

Transphobic assholes just like you

Are the reason I speak out today,

Nothing you can do will stop me

From being Transgender or Gay.

I would not change things if I could

I love the girl I became,

'Cause I'm proud of exactly who I am

Unlike you, I will never feel shame.

Mikayla Cadger

Although I have been to Hell and back, I don't think of myself as a victim of Trans violence... I am a survivor. My scars are not reminders of my pain, they are symbols of my strength. This is an x-ray of my spine after undergoing a 13-hour long surgery to repair the damage I suffered in the assault. I had injuries to both my spine and spinal cord. My bone injuries are to the Cervical section of my spine- specifically the C5-C7 vertebrae. My spinal cord injuries are to the Thoracic section T5-T7. The incision in my back was over 50 stitches. Surgeons installed 2 titanium rods that run the length of my spine, 11 screws, and they constructed a cylindrical 'cage' (see center) that has replaced a shattered vertebra. They also cut bone slivers from my hips and packed them inside the cage to provide an anchor point for new bone to grow from. The injuries to my spinal cord are neuromuscular, and I have extensive nerve root damage to both my abdomen and below my knees on both legs. I have little feeling in my lower legs and feet, other than constant 'pins n' needles'...imagine that both of your legs have fallen asleep under you, and then try to walk using those legs. I now suffer from chronic back pain, neuropathic (nerve) pain, and musculoskeletal pain (muscle spasticity and hyper contractions in my legs). I spent a full year in hospital rehabbing my body and learning to walk again. Even under these circumstances, I feel blessed, as I very easily could have ended up paralyzed and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. However, my mobility will never be the same...I will never walk normally again.