Poem: Iron Spine

This is another poem I wrote about the assault and subsequent injuries/surgery that changed everything for me. As I've said, these poems were an important part of my personal healing process, as they allowed me to vent, and work through some of the mental impacts it all had on me. 'Iron Spine' is both a reflection of what my back is now made of... and the will I have to face the trauma I suffered, and forge ahead.

IRON SPINE

The lives I've led are colorful

Beyond the scope of most

Frankly, I'm lucky to be alive

From an early age

I was not like other kids

Because my body and my mind just didn't jive

Growing up I tried so hard

Conforming to the norms

Struggling to overcome self-hate

Trauma in my life ensured

That something broke inside

Soon enough my battle turned to my own fate

Scared to come out honest

Everything that I've been taught

Showed me people just like me aren't treated well

Instead, I tried to numb myself

With risky sex and drugs

Decisions that magnified my living hell.

Heroin, suicide attempts

And selling my own ass

Easier to self destruct than have to feel

All this time pretending still

That I was straight and Cis

Shame and disgust blocked all attempts for me to heal.

A life of lies and failures

Took a toll that was immense

Until I finally couldn't do it anymore

Honesty and openness

The only way I'd thrive

If only I had known what was in store

Embracing who I am

Was like I fed a starving mouth

I couldn't get enough of feeling right

Filling up an emptiness

Neglected through the years

Though I still had yet to face my greatest fight

When I stepped out of my closet

There was no more holding back

My sexuality and gender were revealed

I'm Pansexual in bed

I'm Transgender in heart and head

Neither of these will ever again be concealed.

I began with counseling

Then doctors followed soon

Starting hormone therapy was like a rebirth

My happiness now grew

Just like my curves and my new boobs

And I finally had a feeling of self-worth

Life was finally looking up

Dysphoria in retreat

My regret was that I'd waited so damn long

If I'd had the courage

To start transitioning younger

Maybe my ass would look much better in a thong.

Right away my greatest fears

And worries all came true

The backlash happened swift and was severe

Family and friends

Decided I was on my own

Both my work and place to live then disappear

I had no choice but to relocate

And little did I know

My life's about to take a tragic turn

The place I rented put me in

The sights of petty hate

I was now a target, I'd soon learn

My boxes weren't even unpacked

The night those men attacked

I was readying for bed, not for combat

I was half asleep

When three guys kicked in the front door

Because I'm Trans they tried to kill me with a bat.

There were catastrophic injuries

To spine and spinal cord

Surgeons operated on my broken back

Rods and screws and pins installed

Nerve damage in my legs

A year in hospital for me to get on track

There's no feeling in my lower legs

A struggle just to walk

Anti-Trans hate's ugliness is real

You may have victimized me

But you'll never break my will

My future is not bigotry's to steal

My life is now devoted to

Fighting for our Trans rights

We deserve a chance to thrive and shine

You underestimated

How much strength I have inside

Because this Transwoman has an Iron Spine.

Mikayla Cadger

Although I have been to Hell and back, I don't think of myself as a victim of Trans violence... I am a survivor. My scars are not reminders of my pain, they are symbols of my strength. This is an x-ray of my spine after undergoing a 13-hour long surgery to repair the damage I suffered in the assault. I had injuries to both my spine and spinal cord. My bone injuries are to the Cervical section of my spine- specifically the C5-C7 vertebrae. My spinal cord injuries are to the Thoracic section T5-T7. The incision in my back was over 50 stitches. Surgeons installed 2 titanium rods that run the length of my spine, 11 screws, and they constructed a cylindrical 'cage' (see center) that has replaced a shattered vertebra. They also cut bone slivers from my hips and packed them inside the cage to provide an anchor point for new bone to grow from. The injuries to my spinal cord are neuromuscular, and I have extensive nerve root damage to both my abdomen and below my knees on both legs. I have little feeling in my lower legs and feet, other than constant 'pins n' needles'...imagine that both of your legs have fallen asleep under you, and then try to walk using those legs. I now suffer from chronic back pain, neuropathic (nerve) pain, and musculoskeletal pain (muscle spasticity and hyper contractions in my legs). I spent a full year in hospital rehabbing my body and learning to walk again. Even under these circumstances, I feel blessed, as I very easily could have ended up paralyzed and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. However, my mobility will never be the same...I will never walk normally again.